I'm Okay With Me

I've hum-hawed over writing about this topic in my blog: 

I'm a step-mom, who loves my children dearly.  2 1/2 years ago, I quit my career, so I could stay home with them and enjoy motherhood.  My Mom always wanted to be home with us more, finances just never allowed.  I always dreamed of having a big family.  Mine came in a redi-made package;  One husband, one son, one daughter, various cattle dogs, straggling puppies, wild barn cats, horses and don't forget those cattle!  How could a gal ever ask for more!?!

When we first married, people warned me of the struggles of 'step-motherhood' and gave me lots of advice.  I've found the majority of the advice I've received came from women who are not step-moms.  Or women who do not have the children living in their home full-time.  Funny!  Usually it's very bad advice.  However, I've been luckier than the rest.  My children love me.  They call me Mom, Momma Lisa, Lisa and probably other stuff under their breath when they're in trouble for not making their beds.  And, more unusual than not, everyone involved in this parenting situation has supported my decisions along the way.  Not too shabby.

We live in a small town.  (I should just end this paragraph with the first sentence.  Enough said.)  I love our small town.  But, with every small town comes a herd of nasty little cats.  It's been rumored I was fourteen years younger than my husband and just out of high school, not true.  I was 27, he was 34.  It's been rumored I married him for those vehicles I drive.  For reals?  Do people really think I hiked into a ranching community, forty minutes from town, with just my flip-flops and a back-pack.  Sorry gals!  I took your most eligible bachelor because he wanted a successful woman with a mind of her own.  Did I mention we're deeply in love with each other?  The most horrible rumors of all, have revolved around my parenting skills.  The same cats who complain I married for money (Ha!  I married a rancher!) also criticize when I get a babysitter to go to my little part-time job, they say I'm not their mother and they also say I'm too easy on the kids.  (The best rumor of them all.)

I can push past all those silly rumors.  The hardest part of being a mother...Yes, I'm a mother...Is worrying; Will my children feel the same love for me as they do their biological parents?  Will they grow up and have fond memories of their 'Mother Lisa', will they call me for advice, want me in the room when they have babies?  And, will they love me like their own?  I don't have the answers to those questions.  And, neither does anyone else.  Only time can tell.

We've struggled to add more children to the bustling Jones home.  2 1/2 years later, two (possibly three) miscarriages, 1 year of Clomid, every blood test you can imagine and three very expensive doctors later...I still have no answers.  We finally found a wonderful fertility specialist, but we're down to waiting on the last two test results and they say we're both healthy as can be. 

Will I have more children?  This is the question I need answered.  A baby is all I really want.  The adoption system, while not yet checked off our list, is a money-making industry.  A joke of sorts; Would you like a baby?  The adoption industry would love to sell you one for enough money.  Crazy, so many families who would adopt more children if the cost was less.  In-Vitro?  A possibility, but if we choose that route, I'm taking valuable money away from our family finances that may go towards Tel's rodeos, Tanzee's dance and even their college fund.  What's fair for them?  What's fair for me?  I want to be a part of our family, I want a united front, I want to feel like I've always been here, not just like I'm the fix.

I've decided I need to press forward and be okay with me.  I'm deeply in love with my husband and he's deeply in love with me.  I'm deeply in love with my children.  My whole life revolves around their lives.  Maybe our Heavenly Father gave them to me as a gift.  They are two little blessings and maybe I'm supposed to take care of them and quit worrying about the unknown.  So, I'm pressing forward this summer.  I'm worn out from the emotions, I'm tired of being told to be patient and my body is tired of being sick from all the medication and miscarriages.  I'm going to remodel Tel and Tanzee's bedrooms.  We're adding a storing room to the house, we're finally going to make the kitchen mine and the flower beds are coming along quite well.  We'll argue over who will mow the lawn, we'll camp, we'll ride and we'll play at the Veyo pool.  We'll enjoy being the family we are.  

And, hopefully we'll find an answer along the way.